...Sorry....

...how should i start...i don't know...
I'm really sorry...I was weak and I let myself ce influenced by what she said. I feel like such a fool for not trusting you, like I should've done.
I treated you like shit and i still felt like i was the victim. i can't believe i didn't realize that all she said was bullshit...these last days opened my eyes and now i feel so stupid for fighting with you over stupid things...
Maybe i'm repeating myself but i am really sorry...Grey...

My heart is filled with...

My heart is filled with…hate.Pure hatred wich I’ve never felt before. Why is it always me? I never was, never will be loved. I thought I coped with my situation, but instead I found myself being torn apart, from the inside.
I never knew I could feel like this: dead, empty…I am really dead inside. I can never be truly happy again. I can’t have the same smile I had in the past. It will always be a forced one, half-hearted even fake.
Why? I wonder…maybe it’s because I know something that said, would make me alive again, but it’s impossible cause it will never be said.
It’s theire fault for this but I don’t blame them, I think that in the end it would’ve been the same. It’s just that it came way too early for me an I wasn’t prepared.
I’m so jealous of those who can smile so freely…I feel so lonely, so hurt… I feel like crying my eyes out but the tears won’t come…they won’t and it hurts even more.
...hate still fills my heart…my empty now dead heart….

Tired

Tired.
Tired of waiting.
Tired of feeling guilty
Tired of feeling sad
Tired of feeling like shit everyday
Tired of people
Tired of being annoyed
Tired of this fake world
Tired of hoping
Tired of thinking that maybe, just maybe…
Tired of faking this smile every fucking day
Tired of being tired
Tired of trying so hard
Tired of trying to make people happy
Tired of everything
Tired of this shit…just too damn tired…Happy now?

Nothing will be the same

And once again, I need to write to calm myself.
Nothing will ever be the same, will it? I know understand the stupid mistake I did, writing that thing to you. I shouldn’t have done that, now you avoid me and I feel miserable. Now it makes you feel awkward, and I don’t want that. But the thing that made me decide in writing those three words was the kiss we shared that day. I felt so happy, even though I was embarrased.
But how can I understand what you think, why you keep avoiding answering my question? How can I know what you want from me? If you don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore you can just say. If you don’t like me and still wan to be friends, just say it. It’s even worse if you keep your silence, if you try to avoid talking to me.
If this will continue, I’m going to explode. My frustration keeps growing and growing…


*I don’t care if you read this, just please understand me and say something dude…I wasn’t joking with that message, really…I don’t joke with those kind of things…that’s all*

Confessions...

... I can’t stop myself from thinking of what happened back then… it was like I was going to die, and it was painful. I felt myself becoming weaker and I was nausea. I tried putting my head on the cold floor, but nothing happened, I felt worse if that could be possible. I got up knowing it was a bad decision, but I had to tell them how I felt, also I heard him in the hall so I knew that if anything was going to happen he will be there for me. But as I opened the door to tell him that I felt sick my vision became blurry more like it was darkening, and then…I don’t know what happened from then…all I know is that I woke up from a dream (? I don’t even know)….on the bed with her beside me and trying to wake me up. I was confused, and I couldn’t hear well at the beginning but I knew they were worried sick, I could see it in their eyes. I was still weak, cold and I couldn’t get myself to stop being afraid. I didn’t know what happened, I was afraid, afraid that I would let myself get consumed by that darkness that overwhelmed me…they told me what happened : I opened the door and told him that I was feeling sick and then I just fell, they thought I tripped, but I just didn’t get up. I was unconscious. After I heard, I tried to remember something that could help me, I never in my entire life fainted moreover like this, but all I could remember was me opening the door and…blank…it was frightening me, and as I think of what happened I still am…and I think I still will be even if they will try and sooth me. I know I scared them, but I scared myself much more…

Plumb

Dormeau adanc sicriele de plumb,
Si flori de plumb si funerar vestmant-
Stam singur in cavou... si era vant...
Si scartaiau coroanele de plumb.


Dormea intors amorul meu de plumb
Pe flori de plumb... si-am inceput sa-l strig-
Stam singur langa mort... si era frig...
Si-i atarnau aripile de plumb.

(de George Bacovia)

The battles of a teenage girl

I can’t say that girls don’t have problems, because I’d be wrong. If other people (from the opposite sex) think that our life is easy and bright, in other words is pink, then NEWSFLASH : it’s not, we do have problems. The thing is that we don’t make a fuss over them, we overcame them and life our life like they never existed, without anyone noticing (unless our best friends whom we tell everything). Yeah, you can say that we have masks.
Everyday of our life is a battle for us. Our most common one is our appearance : if we wake up with a bed head we have to have the patience to brush it, straighten it if needed, then style it (ponytail, bun or loose).After this comes the problem of what we wear. It’s difficult to choose from the different colors and types of T-shirts, blouses, sweaters; then of course the right pair of jeans : straight, skinny, large. And after this comes the shoes : boots, with heels, converse, so many so many…
We still have the most important battle we have to take: the battle of love. If we like someone we do our best in looking good and impressing him, and if we succeed in wining his heart, then we win the battle and if not the we did succeed something: we succeed in getting a broken heart.
Of course there are so many other problems I can write down but I don’t have time, patience and obviously I’m too lazy.

Addiction

Am I addicted? I don't know, maybe I am. I need it, I think about it every minute of my life.

Seriously, this is addiction. I want it but I can't have it, sometimes it becames unbearrable. I know it's wrong, everyone tells me that, but how can I give up when it practically never leaves my mind. It's driving me insane, it changes, and I want it to stop because it changes me and I don't like the new me, i don't like to hurt my friends, I don't want it...

I'm sorry I hurt you

Yuki Vallquar

How can I trust you when you lie to me in my face? You said you’ll always be there for me but I how can I trust what you say when you lie to me. I know you’ll say that you didn’t lie to me, ever but I won’t believe you because I can’t trust you anymore. I know I should’ve listened when someone said I shouldn’t trust you so easily, but what I can I do when I’m so weak? I trust everyone so easily because I don’t want to believe that they’ll betray me, that’s why I’m weak and pitiful. I know that maybe I hurt you and now probably you are very nervous because of me. I’m really sorry, really. I know that I’m mistaking when I’m not saying what you did wrong but I can’t, I just can’t, don’t ask me why. I wish I could say it but I can’t. I don’t want to be mean, I’m really sorry for what I did to you today, maybe someday if I’ll tell you, you’ll understand, but for now, I’m just really sorry I hurt you.

Silent tears

Angel of Darkness

Why are you so mean with me? Why are you torturing me like this? It becomes unbearable at times. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't get out and there's no one to save me because there isn't anyone at my side. All I can do is stay and bear, but how much will I be able to do that? These tears, it's like they have no end. I hate to cry, I can't stand it but I seem to not be able to stop. I really wnat this to stop, but it depends on you because this is all because of you. Everything is your fault; all of this is wrong because of you and you cannot erase these mistakes even if you want to. I think I'll start ignoring you from now. I know it will be hard, but I have to. It's for my sake, I don't want to suffer anymore.

The prey

Angel of Darkness

Rip my heart from my chest. Drink its' blood until it drains. Then let me die, even though I think I'm already dead : a painful, quick, but lonely death. After all you're a vampire, I'm just the prey

Alone

I’m sitting here alone thinking of all the things I’ve done wrong. Thinking why you left, what was the reason? But soon I start to drift away in my dreamless world: ‘the drugs are making their effect’ I thought. A beach, a peaceful beach, where all you can see is the sand and ocean. Is this a dream or is this heaven? I can’t even make the difference between them. I lay down in the sand and wait, wait, and wait, because this is all I can do. Suddenly I hear some distant voices, I don’t mind them, I like the peaceful beach more. The voices start to become more louder and hysterical. Why can’t they leave me alone? Why can’t they go and leave me on this peaceful beach? In the distance a light appears, a warm light which is calling me. I start walking to her, but a scream pierces my ear and I become aware that I knew that voice. It was her. But why was she screaming? I didn’t care, I wanted to go to the light. Suddenly a shock runs through me and I found myself awake on a hospital bed with her standing in front of me. I should be happy, but I’m not, I’m angry because she left me and then she didn’t let me go.
‘Why didn’t you let me go?’
‘That’s because…", but I didn't hear the rest because blackness took over again, but this time forever.

Humans are selfish = destroying the world

Really, why must humans be so selfish and self-centered? I don’t understand why they have to be so mean with other people. When they find a person who is more talented than himself why must they say mean things to him or make him feel inferior, are they feeling better or humans are really that bastards? I can’t seem to understand how they could have fallen so low? But I don’t think that they were different in another time, people don’t change. How can they possibly learn from their history when they don’t even want to accept it. I’m really disappointed, humans are calling themselves intelligent but do they ever think of other people besides themselves? No, and if by any chance there are some who are kind and good with others is not enough. No wonder our world is at the point of destruction, the humans are ignorant, they think only of their sake. And by the time they will notice it, it will be too late

Love and space

I don’t understand something why am I being jealous that you’re having fun with someone else other than me? Is it because you’re having fun and I’m not? I don’t think so. Then why? I know, I know, I really thought I put my feelings in order, but why can’t I accept them? Is it because I don’t want to get hurt? Everyone gets hurt at some point. Am I that selfish? And if I can’t understand myself how can I possibly understand you? You know something, I really think I’m selfish, always thinking of me. What do you feel? Did something like this ever happened to you? I suppose so, after all you became emotionless, never wanting to love? Do you want to be loved instead? If that’s true, I’m not the only one being selfish, you want to be loved without giving love? How do you think you will obtain something like this? From your parents? Their ‘unconditional love’, I don’t think it’s enough though. Don’t you feel sometimes like you have e hole in your heart, like it’s half empty? Maybe it’s like that because with all your parents love you need some other kind of love? Why don’t you want to love? Did you get hurt in your past? Really now, why can’t you just tell me? I know that they are painful memories but how do you think you can overcome without talking with someone? And I don’t talk about a psychiatrist, geez I’m not like that, I’m talking about me, your friend, you supposed to be friend. Maybe you don’t want to fill me with painful stories but what if I want to know? I told you so many things, and I know I’m not like you, but I have painful memories too, and I told you some, why can’t you? It’s not like it’s that bad, you didn’t kill anybody. Anyway I think I’m being a little pushy, don’t worry I’ll let you have your space, I think that’s best for us, just for awhile, the two of us need a break. I think that’s why you don’t talk to me that much anymore, you got bored of me or I was being annoying, so for everyone’s sake let’s have a break, but don’t worry I’ll always be your friend and I’ll be there for you when you need someone, but I think it’s better this way.

Sweet dreams

I see you. I see how you reach for my face, your gentle hands are pulling me towards you. You approach me slowly not wanting to scare me and then your lips are gently kissing mine intoxicating me. You let go and I try to regain my balance but catch me and again you kiss me tenderly but this time you forcing my mouth to open and our tongues began synchronizing with each other; after a while we have to break our kiss because we need air. I feel your temple on mine and your warm breath on me, then you gently put your lips on mine and whisper: ‘I love you’ . But then in the distance I hear a faint ringing, I try to find the source of it but the moment I turn my head you’re gone. I search you like crazy but all I can see is darkness. I scream your name, I panic, all I can hear is that annoying ringing.Please make it stop.
Stop!! I scream. Oh, it was just a dream…just a dream. I sigh and began getting ready for the day: ‘if only this dream can become reality it would be so…’ but then I realize it’s you who I’m talking about, you can’t love even if you want to, and you don’t, because you’re selfish I was such a fool to ever fall in love with you.

Beatiful burden,sweet mystery

I never thought I’ll find something like you. Even if I know you pretty well, you still are a mystery to me and I love it. I love your way of thinking about the world, people and I think I can talk to you all my life and not get bored. I love your voice, the soft tone you use with me and I love the way my name comes out of your mouth, I never thought I would like my name this much. I love how you seem to understand me so much, and how you never get mad at me and never laugh at me for my stupidity and clumsiness. I really think that you’re the only one who can make me happy when I’m sad even if you are just talking with me on the phone. You’re the only one who can make me sad with just one thought, whenever I think about you it’s like the entire world it’s crashing on my shoulders. I really don’t like it when it happens, that means I can’t even think about you without being sad. Why is that? Can you explain what you did to me? This feeling is really uncomfortable. Why is it when I’m thinking about you it hurts so much I think my heart is bleeding or is breaking into pieces. Please, please make me like before, please let me return to my normal self. I know, I know I said that you make me happy but if you can’t love me back, this pain, I won’t be able to bear it and you know I don’t like pain this will be too much for me. It’s becoming a burden to see you, in this stage I’m in, but I can’t live without seeing you so I think I should learn to carry this pain and to never give it up.

Corrupt me, don't restrain

My love, what’s wrong? Why do you restrain yourself around me? Didn’t you say that you love me with all your being? You can’t change your mind now, you know that, don’t you? Am I to pure for you? You don’t want to corrupt me? But I don’t mind being corrupted because it’s you who’s corrupting me. And even so, don’t you get it? I’m already corrupted, I love you more than my own life, you already have my soul, my heart, you already fill my whole mind. If I could, I would die for you. So forget your rules and stop restraining yourself, you’re hurting me more like this. And if you aren’t convinced about this I’ll become more flashy, more impure, so that it wouldn’t be a problem for you.
Why aren’t you happy with this? Don’t you want this? Me being more flashy, beautiful, impure? If not, then don’t restrain yourself anymore and please love me with all your being, I already know I don’t really deserve you. I’m plain, I’m normal, I’m small in every way you can think, so what can you possibly like at me? I really think that I’m the luckiest girl on the planet. You make me feel loved. I love everything about you: your eyes, your hair, your mouth, your neck, your sensual touches, your kisses, your voice; all I can think about and dream about is you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. Thank you for staying by my side.

Crazy for you (manga)

You are my heart. You are my soul. You are my whole being, yet I can’t reach you, I can’t reach you with my heart. I understand that you lied me, and deceived me but you still remembered your promises and that’s all that matters to me. Every second spent with you it’s a precious memory to me, every word you said I can still remember. But you still don’t love me enough, I know that. Even though I’m naïve and innocent I’m like this for you and me. I don’t want to face reality, not yet, but I have to, you already have a girlfriend. The one you love more than me. I wish you happiness but what about me? I know I have to forget you but I can’t, I tried but all I can do is suppress my feelings deep in my heart and that’s what causes me pain. When I see you I want to cry and I want to make you smile. Even if there is one person that can still make me smile freely and makes me relax he is not you, he can’t make me want to cry and laugh at the same time, he doesn’t give me butterflies in my tummy he doesn’t make my heart race. He is just my friend even though I know his feelings and want to accept them I can’t because of you. Why can’t I just hate you? Wouldn’t it be better for both of us?

Painful betrayal

Angel of Darkness

How could you have done this to me? I thought you loved me? You cheated me like the bastard that you are, and what’s worse you did it with my best friend. How could you have than this? Don’t you have a conscience? Didn’t you think that I’ll find out? And why, why with my best friend? You are the lowest, and I am so hurt I think I’m bleeding inside. I loved you so much I could have died for you, I trusted you so much and that’s how you thank me? Really now, why? Is it because you think I’m plain, or to small, or to shy? If that’s the case why didn’t you just break up with me? It would have been better than this. All that’s left for me now is to forgive you or to hate you. And what do you think I’ll choose? You know something? You don’t have the right to know. And if I think better you’re not worth hating and even pitying. I’ll just forget you’ll exist because I think now that you’re existence isn’t…. Goodbye forever!
And you my friend, how could you do this? Am I not a good friend to you? And don’t you think of saying that he seduced you because if that’s the case where’s your will? You could have said no, you could have refused him, but no, you didn’t. You chose to hurt me and lie to me and sorry, but I can’t forgive that. And I won’t hate you because I can’t, you’re a human without a strong will and now I pity you. You are too weak to be my friend, I can’t forgive you even if you begged and I hope you won’t do that because I’ll despise you then and I don’t want to despise you. You, like him are not worth despising. Farewell my friend, it’s better this way.

I cannot forget love

Why is it that whenever I think about you I feel so sad I could cry? Is it because you’re ignoring me, is it because you’re with someone else? I don’t want to have this feeling, whatever it may be , I hate it, especially because I can’t name it. I feel so happy when you’re with me, but why is it that only you can make me so happy? Whenever I’m with you I can’t seem to stop smiling, whenever I’m sad you can make me smile so easily, I really hate it because you started becoming my whole being. Why is that? I don’t really know but all that I know is that I love your smile, the way your eyes are shining, the way you touch my hand, the way you speak to me. Why do I like these things so much? Why can’t I be honestly happy without your ‘love you too’? Is this what they call love? Because if it is, this is the most horrifying feeling that I had until know. It’s scary because it’s unexpected, it comes when you aren’t prepared. I really don’t want to feel like this, but it seems like I cannot forget you even if I want to.